Seeking

imagesAs I climb, one door leads to another & another & another…

On Dec 30th, with my car packed and eyes filled with tears, I waved to my loving family as I left the healing cocoon I have been in for over 3 years. After a 6+hr drive to the Bay Area, I arrived to my wonderful friend Betsy’s Mother-in-Law’s house where I was to house-sit and settled in. For the majority of the month, I was completely dependent on the GPS system handed down to me by my beloved friends, Rick and Diane. Though I have lived in the Bay Area for over a decade in my adult life, I wasn’t familiar with this particular city – getting to the grocery store and my gym and finding parking and traveling to my new part time job was all very new. In addition to this, I started a new year-long training program to become certified in Life Coaching. I cherish my ability to invite in the new, to travel and acclimate to new surroundings, people, jobs, schools. Yet this transition has been challenging because I am still adapting to this post-hiking-fall phase of my life and there is more to cope with now. I’m finding that I spin off into fear and high anxiety quite easily. Maybe I always did and just don’t remember it but this feels unique… and compounded.

It was heaven to have an entire house to myself. I am grateful that it was mutually beneficial to my friends Betsy and Bob for me to be living there while the sale was finalizing. The house sold in record time and I needed to find a place to live by the end of Jan. I am forgetful of my many past lessons that there’s no need to stress, things will come together… though I’ve learned this lesson heaps of times before, I sat in fear.

I was invited to live with a friend, Allison and her family for the month of Feb in a city 30 minutes from where I was house-sitting. I am so very grateful to them for generously opening their home to me. Once again, I am dependent on the GPS system to escort me around. I can’t imagine how hard life would be without that piece of gold! Thank you Rick and Diane!!!

As I try to warm to the newness of everything, my back, neck and the entire right side of my body are tight and sore. Pains I thought were over are revisiting, reminding me of what I am attempting to set behind.

And better yet, in this city, as I go to the grocery store, doctors’ appointments, work, gym and errands, I am being slammed with memories of a long-lived relationship, the closest I’ve ever come to marriage. We lived here over a decade ago; I know the area intimately. He went to the school that is minutes down the street; we went to this gym, this grocery store, this shopping center.  The emotional experience of being surrounded by the familiar is comforting and at the same time gut-wrenching.

And to add to this, two additional old boyfriends have come to the forefront of my mind – one because his life partner randomly plopped into my life via 3 degrees of separation and the other because he lives locally and I’ve been updated on his life. There is definitely a theme going on here and I assume healing is its purpose. So I breathe attempting to hold it all as I juggle the frightening new alongside the thunderous old. From the safe cocoon of rehabilitation to fully stepping back into the next chapter of my life, it’s quite a roller coaster of emotions brought on by this huge move. I have to remind myself that it is a move forward.

I am being asked to rest, yet again, in complete trust. I am in search of comfort, financial, physical and personal stability, camaraderie, community, and a committed relationship. I am seeking… and as I seek, I am being lead. Just like the GPS system I am so dependent on, I am being guided and aligned with the perfect path directing me to where I want to be. I meet just the right people, I hear just the right song, I see just the right signs at just the perfect times telling me every day in numerous mystical ways that I am not alone, that I am walking the exact path my soul desires me to walk. And I am in awe. The stories I could share of the magic that has been happening blow my mind and would blow yours, too, but for brevity sake, I’ll have to skip them. The bottom line is that I continually get reminders that I am supported, cared for and guided through this uneasy time. So I continue to seek, I continue to hope, I continue to trust as I continue to place one foot in front of the other.

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5 responses to “Seeking

  1. It amazes me just how far you’ve come, Gina, in a relatively short period of time. Thank you for inspiring me to trust that everything in life is what it should be, leading me on to even greater good always.

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  2. Your writing is beautiful and very touching. I know you will thrive and just allow yourself to be anxious and scared. It is all part of the process 🙂

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  3. I’m sad to be leaving the area soon, and now more so because I never got an opportunity to know you better! Best wishes with your journey and adventures. Love, MaryJane from yoga class

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