Not an Ounce of Sugar Left
Life has thrown me more lemons… I’m just completely done with trying to make lemonade out of them.
Here’s a partial list of what my life’s looking like: My 2 year relationship ended. I recently found out I have to move again for the 6th time in three years (and post-breakup, I’ve really been needing the comfort of stability and ‘home’). My eye doctor just referred me to an eye surgeon for my double vision (exactly what I’ve been dedicated to avoiding for the past 6 long years with all those vision therapy improvements).
Pushes my buttons
My grief button has been pushed. There are a myriad of other emotions that come along with grief: anger, regret, disillusionment, and fear to name a few. Anger has been my fallback of late. Ok, in my current Negative Nelly state of mind, I’m gonna be real. No sugar-coating. Ready? I’m angry that I fell down a mountain and my life was turned upside down. I’m angry I don’t have a profession with a fat savings account that could get me through. I’m angry I have yet to pull it together despite all the help and encouragement and support I’ve received. I’m angry I’ve yet to find my life partner and create a family. I’m angry I still don’t have a profession that supports me despite my recent efforts. I’m angry my life doesn’t look anything like I dreamed it would at this age.
Look at the Bright Side
Sure, there must be a bright side to all of this. That’s what I teach! Our lessons and challenges always have some gem that can be taken from them. But I’m not seeing it. And I just don’t have the ability in me to put a positive spin on any of this. My mind has been languishing on all the stories of destitution and doom causing me nothing but worry and fear. (I can see and hear the characters of Inside Out in my head as I write this which brings a little giggle.) Staying positive, hoping for the best and working hard to find a way are not available to me this time. The sugar has diminished. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m disheartened. And I’m scared.
As the seasoned Ms Optimism, I do really want to feel better. My optimism hasn’t been inauthentic in the last few years. I’m thinking I must have unconsciously stepped over some grief somewhere along the way. So I’m practicing being with the emotions like my support team has suggested. And though it may be a good thing to do, it certainly isn’t offering much reprieve.
Life Sent Me Some Sugar
Luckily, I didn’t find out I had to move in April until after an amazing opportunity popped into my world in early December… otherwise, I might not have signed up for it. I’ll be pet sitting in a friend’s studio in a rural part of Hawaii.
I know, I know “Hawaii”. People hear the word Hawaii and their eyes go spinning. It’s not as glamorous as everyone thinks: population 2200, bring your own garbage to the dump, 50-60 degree rainy weather and an hour drive to the grocery store. Yes, Negative Nelly is alive and well. But if I were handed a million dollars right now, it wouldn’t fit the bill either.
Well, maybe this staying with the emotions thing is helping… I can admit that I really need a hiatus from life at the moment and this opportunity landed at a perfect time. And I don’t know how much celebrating I’ll be doing but I’ll be in frickin’ Hawaii on my birthday. It’ll appear great on a Facebook post anyway.
‘Grass is always greener’, eh?
Hmmm, maybe I do have a tiny bit of sugar left… I’ve allowed myself to see a positive spin on my current life drama – My life is lined up in such a way that I can go off to Hawaii for several weeks. Most have jobs and partners and kids and pets and bills that would keep them from an opportunity like this. As a Life Coach, I meet with clients over the phone, I’ve gotten subs to cover my yoga classes until I return, I don’t have a significant other or a child or a home or even a pet fish that needs considering. I literally don’t have anyone or anything I’ll miss. It’s both depressing and freeing all at once… depressing because I don’t have much at all to show for my almost-42 years and freeing because I can up and leave this sack of lemons for 42 days.
Maybe I’ll come back with some Hawaiian sugar cane.