“Have You Tried Online Dating?”
Single and Seeking
I am, what I like to refer to as, ‘Single and Seeking.’ When I have conversations with friends or colleagues and people in my world about being single, the response to my singledom is often “Have you tried online dating?”
Online Dating 101
Yes, I have tried a few online dating sites in the past. I created my profiles on a couple sites over the years by filling out the very detailed intakes – answering questions about who I am, listing my likes, dislikes, what I can put up with and what I can’t, categorizing myself as ‘spiritual, not-religious’, selecting my living preferences (city, town, countryside etc.), stating my future desires and, of course, uploading photos. Then I’ve followed along through the weeks reviewing and instant messaging those who had reached out to me as well as spending heaps of time scouring the site to see who seems interesting to me. I’ve connected with a few men via email that never led to anything and I’ve gone on several dates, none of which led to a second date. It’s very time-consuming to say the least, and not very fruitful, in my experience.
Currently, I have a strong resistance to online dating. (No offense to those that value it. There’s nothing wrong with the online dating route, it just doesn’t feel right for me for reasons you’ll read below.) And apparently, my resistance is pretty obvious to anyone I talk to about the topic.
When people suggest it to me or ask me “Have you tried online dating?!” I actually have a visceral response – my heart shrinks back, I feel my body quiver and my skin crawl. My explanation to this is: The body speaks… some even say the body knows.
A Talk with a Fellow Singleton
On a walk with a friend this past weekend, we had a great discussion about being single – our wonderings about what’s next and the pros and cons of being single along with the challenges we have in attempting to connect with friends that now are married with kids. I shared my resistance to online dating and she related to my misgivings. As she expressed some of her concerns and experiences, a few things she said stuck with me:
“There can be personality traits that you don’t even recognize within yourself. They are just part of who you are. Friends and family know things about you that make you you. Those are essential to who you are and yet they don’t necessarily go up in a profile. That can make meeting in person a vital part of the whole process.”
She spoke brilliantly about how remarkable, and yet depressing, the world of technology can be, “Our social skills are devolving! There are a lot of people online that want to instant message and email back and forth with no face-to-face meetups. That takes a lot of energy when, in the end, you may meet and not feel attracted to each other at all.”
In speaking of all the effort it takes to find a ‘match’ online, she interjected, “It’s like a resume! A personality resume!” I couldn’t agree more. When you’re out there seeking a life partner, spending a lot of time staring at a computer screen attempting to capture your personality and dreams in a net of descriptive words just doesn’t feel in line with my heart’s search.
I also had a conversation with a coaching friend while on my recent travels and she picked up on my intense resistance to online dating. As coaches, we’re trained to spot resistance for the sake of exploring what’s lurking beneath any strong reactions and to bring that to awareness with the hopes of moving beyond resistance into resonance.
My coaching friend posed the next question, “You’re wanting someone to share your life with yet you don’t seem to be coming across opportunities to meet single folks … what is the resistance to online dating about?”
I gave a list – the work and time it takes, the planned meetings at Starbucks, the disappointment, the miscommunication when you talk via email or instant message and the lack of romance. She asked “What would you think of online dating if, in the end, you found the relationship that you’re after?” More resistance came sparking out of my chest. “I don’t want to say that I met my life partner on eHarmony. I want an organic meeting, the joys of two lives coming together by chance. Sure, I know, you could meet online ‘by chance’ but that just isn’t what my heart wants. The heart wants what the heart wants.”
I sat in silence for a moment fully aware of how adamant I feel about my desire to meet my partner in an organic way. Then, this came pouncing spontaneously from somewhere in the depths of me, “I didn’t interview Rick and Kiley to ask if they had hearts big enough to wait with my unconscious, ailing body for 3 hours on the side of that mountain.* It just happened. Their lives synchronistically lined up with mine at just the perfect time. That’s magic. That’s the organic meeting I’m after.”
* (to read more about my hiking fall rescue and the two (then) strangers, Rick and Kiley, who waited with me, click here: https://theunfoldingself.wordpress.com/my-half-dome-dance/)
Single and Seeking… Synchronicity
What’s this desire I have for an organic meeting all about? I’ve given this quite a lot of thought and can clearly see this desire is not out of character. I live for, what I call, magic.
As you may know, I adore travel as well as interacting with a variety of people, partly because while traveling and when meeting someone new, you can synchronistically come across people that will forever change your world. For example, while traveling on a backpackers’ adventure tour in the Australian Outback, a woman from England, about my age, sat next to me on the bus. Nicki and I clicked from the moment we started talking. If we weren’t both traveling at that same time to that same location on that same tour of the Outback, we may not have ever met. Nicki is now a treasured friend that I consider family. She since has become an Australian citizen and lives near Sydney with her husband and two children. And it’s these kind of organic meetings that bring wonder to this world and endlessly feed my soul. I still get tears in my eyes every time I think of her on the other side of the planet wanting to jump on a plane to be by my side when she found out I was severely injured and unconscious in the hospital after my Half Dome fall.
I crave, seek, and find almost daily, the beautiful synchronicities of life just coming together in unimaginable ways. I’m guided by the intentions that I put in place in my morning meditations and my day unfolds as I listen to my thinking-mind balanced with the soft voice of my heart, and am led by my intuitive relationship with my Spirit Guides. Periodically through my day, the Universe speaks to me through billboards and road signs, the poems and quotes that I arbitrarily pick for Savasana in the teaching of my yoga classes, the random intuitive hit that comes while driving, the unplanned conversation I have with the customer service rep that, unbeknownst to them, gives me the insight I’ve been reaching for. And since college, repetitive number sequences jump out to me in addresses, phone numbers, receipt totals and license plates. In recent years, I’ve been following Doreen Virtue’s numerology and the descriptions of what these number sequences are relaying is amazingly spot on!
This is how I view the world. I don’t want to force things to happen and just think my way through life anymore. I’ve been actively releasing that driven, determined-to-create-the-life-she-wants Gina. Falling 200ft down the side of beautiful Half Dome has shown me that I’m here for a reason and life organically evolves in fascinating ways.
Sure, I dream up visions of what I want and put one foot in front of the other aiming to create what I envision. But I no longer want to push and push and do and do. Co-creation is what I’m after. I want to align with what the world has to offer. And the Universe usually has some pretty awesome things happening behind the scenes that are often far better than what I could pull off.
For now, my life is full of learning, blog and book writing, business building, teaching yoga, offering guided imagery, giving intuitive sessions and staying in tune with my physical and spiritual self. I trust that doing what calls to me, a.k.a following my heart, will lead me to my next steps. And in the midst of that, I trust that my life partner and I will come together at just the perfect time – the stars will align and our paths will cross or we’ll be introduced by a mutual friend … maybe even one of you…