I’ve heard people say that at times of life and death, things get simple, nothing else matters. I experienced that when I suddenly lost my brother at such a young age. I experienced that when I suddenly lost a dear friend I met and spent quality time with during my travels. In facing these unexpected losses, I could put my attention on nothing more than the pain that I didn’t get to say good-bye, the shock that Anthony and Cam were no longer here.
In the short few weeks that my father faced death, I again experienced this truth but in a very different, even deeper, way.
In being with my father in an intense time of crisis, I had tunnel vision, as to be expected; I forgot about my day-to-day life. Thoughts or concerns about my work, my finances, my calendared plans, even the basics of eating and sleeping, were of little importance. Nothing else mattered but my dad.
And even more profound, any of my hangups about my relationship with my dad from years previous, any issues I held about my father, were gone. Countless times yelling at him in my head, attempting to prove my point, and harboring old frustration or disappointment I still carried around within me … all of that faded, became completely insignificant. My grudges fell away. My anger fell away. My youthful fear of his anger fell away. Nothing else mattered but caring for him, being there with him. We didn’t need to talk things thru. We didn’t need to say “I’m sorry” or “I need you to understand…” Ego fell away. Nothing from the past mattered.
There was a deep healing that happened while sitting at his bedside holding his hand. I took this cherished opportunity to thank my dad for loving me, for supporting me through my life upheavals, for being at my bedside when I was severely injured, for helping me move toward my dreams, for being my teacher, oftentimes when he didn’t even know he was. I will be eternally grateful that I had this precious time at the end of his life – to hold his hand, dish out his meds, help him eat the tiny amounts he could, listen to his exalted joy over the sweet taste of fresh fruit. It was a treasured opportunity to hear of his fears of leaving this existence and tell him I think he is incredibly brave to swim in those fears with such strength. And it was an honor to intuitively support his spirit thru all he was experiencing by giving him energy healings, a gift I’d never shared with him before.
Each moment was so raw and vulnerable as I sat there witnessing my dad’s body giving up on life. It is in those moments that nothing else mattered anymore. All that was able to come forth was my compassion for him, my love for him, for his presence in my life. Nothing else mattered.
My intuitive friend, Susan, says that because he was surrounded by the love of his family and because, at this crucial point in his life, he was able to energetically and spiritually work thru the heavy weight of his life’s challenges, he grew more in that last month than most grow in a lifetime. I believe that whole-heartedly. My dad looked fear in the face, bravely stepping into a realm of existence that is unknown to our conscious mind; a realm of existence that we, in these human bodies, have forgotten.
I’m proud of you, Dad – proud to be your daughter, proud to be a Bartiromo, proud to have been by your side at the most challenging time of your life. I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else … anywhere. I miss you. Every moment of that intense time was a gift I will cherish forever. And truly nothing else matters.